ABOUT ME

When I was once asked to describe myself in ten words, my answer was glib, but not too far from the truth.

 

A Jacqueline of all trades, and a mistress of none.

 

If I was inclined towards pretension, I might describe myself as a generalist.

 

In my less positive moments, I have thought of myself more as a ship without a sail.

 

Should I plump for cliche, I would proclaim that variety is the spice of life.

 

But if the truth be told, I have spent my working life just doing the next thing in front of me. After leaving school in 1981, I worked in a series of shops, selling everything from spandex trousers to sandwich toasters. When was the last time you wore or used either?

 

I was a secretary in a publishing company, a part-time gardener and a full-time nanny...or should that be a manny?

 

I worked as a care assistant in an old people's rest home, making and serving 25 breakfasts, 25 cups of tea, 25 lunches and making 25 beds with a smile, a song, and a swing of the commode.

 

I studied drama at the Rose Bruford College and, after graduating, spent three years with Proteus Theatre Company, as resident Actor and Musical Director, writing original music and lyrics for three touring productions.

 

In between shows, I featured in some truly humiliating but financially rewarding commercials, and made some small and ignorable appearances in various films, music videos and television programmes. Who hasn't done "The Bill"?

 

During the Nineties, I was one half of the award-winning cabaret act Katrina and The Boy, taking our unique brand of musical comedy to gay bars and clubs around the country. Along with our regular gigs, we performed at the Brighton Comedy Festival and the Edinburgh Festival, alongside the legendary Lily Savage, and guested in shows at the Players Theatre, the Playhouse and the Haymarket, sharing the stage with the iconic author, Armistead Maupin.

 

We made appearances on radio and television, notably co-hosting "The New Mr and Mrs Show" for Living TV, and a cameo role in the television film "Brazen Hussies", starring Julie Walters and Robert Lindsay. We were proud to lend our support to many charitable organisations, including Body Positive, the Terence Higgins Trust, Stonewall, and were delighted to be patrons of The Food Chain.

 

I continued to put the jam on my bread and butter with modelling work, the highlight being one memorable afternoon spent with a real live dog shagging my shapely Paul Smith trousered leg, all in the name of Fosters lager.

 

At the turn of the millennium, I happily stepped away from show business and entered the world of education.

 

During a fifteen year stint at Welling School, I wrote innumerable short plays for classroom study and performance.

 

I also composed original scores for three prizewinning productions, and wrote the script, lyrics and score for a full length musical entitled "Our Big Fat School Production".

 

And I have just written a book. Not bad for a 54 year old poof who only got three O levels, is scared of heights, still cries at "The Railway Children" and can't read music.

FOLLOW ME

  • Facebook Social Icon
  • Twitter Social Icon
  • YouTube Social  Icon

© 2016 by Ian Elmslie. Proudly created with Wix.com